“If you’re wondering about…” is a video series that collects moments about specific topics that were talked about within our deep catalogue of conversations. The vision of {THE AND} is to build a catalogue of humans expressing their experiences and what it means to be in relationship with one another in the 21st Century. We believe there is something to learn from everyone, and that one’s life experience shared can be medicine for another, and vice versa. Thus we are proud to share with you moments pulled from our {THE AND} library that reflect exploration around a particular subject or situation.
In This Episode
People share their adoption and foster care journeys, both from the adopting side as well as the being adopted one.
Transcript
0:02
What's the pain in me
0:04
you wish you could heal?
0:06
Oh, the loss
0:16
that you've had.
0:20
Because I think that people think
0:23
that adoption
0:24
is like the land of happy endings,
0:27
like glitter,
0:29
sunshine, rainbows and unicorns.
0:31
And it's really not.
0:34
Um, from day one, I have always said
0:37
that somebody's biggest loss became
0:40
my biggest gain.
0:47
Oh,
0:49
why did we choose to adopt?
1:01
Wow.
1:02
That's a-
1:07
Wel...
1:08
First, I'm adopted.
1:10
So adoption always seemed like
1:13
something cool that I'd want to do.
1:16
I never thought I'd be able to do it,
1:18
once I realized I was gay.
1:20
And when we finally
1:24
talked about it or thought about it,
1:27
it seemed like the only
1:30
option for me
1:33
would be adoption.
1:35
Because I'm adopted
1:40
and because in exploring it
1:42
and you can remember when I read the book
1:44
and everything else
1:46
about all the different ways
1:47
we could become parents, it was-
1:50
that was always the right way
1:53
for us.
1:56
I just didn't want
1:57
either of us to be the biological parent.
1:59
Well, I know, you were... - Honestly.
2:02
I didn't like that idea.
2:04
I wouldn't have minded that idea.
2:06
Yeah.
2:06
I don't think it would have mattered.
2:08
Yeah, but- - But I knew that.
2:11
I also knew that
2:14
we would...
2:16
We wanted a child as bad
2:19
as the kids we adopted needed parents.
2:23
And- and we didn't adopt healthy kids.
2:27
We adopted sick kids
2:29
who are now all healthy adults.
2:34
I don't know, it just always seemed
2:36
like the right thing.
2:42
Why did you adopt me?
2:45
Well.
2:46
Well, I never thought I'd would be a dad.
2:49
And growing up as
2:52
a gay man, especially,
2:53
you never think you're gonna have kids.
2:54
Especially at my age. Nowadays
2:56
gays, you know, are adopting,
2:57
you know, much more regularly.
2:59
And- but I never thought I'd be a dad.
3:01
And growing up as a kid
3:03
that was in foster care
3:05
and who eventually became,
3:06
you know, I was adopted.
3:07
For me, it was just a no brainer.
3:09
I knew I wanted to have kids
3:11
even before I met Papi, you know.
3:12
So that was my goal. So
3:15
it was just- it was in the cards for me.
3:17
I didn't know how
3:18
that was going to happen,
3:18
but the moment I got the opportunity,
3:21
I ran for it.
3:26
Mom, why did you adopt me?
3:30
Well, I feel like you are my son.
3:33
And I feel like
3:37
a long time ago, your dad and I,
3:41
you know,
3:41
we made a decision
3:42
on how our family was going to be formed.
3:44
We
3:45
we talked about if we wanted to have
3:49
a biological family formed through
3:52
biological means, right?
3:53
And we made a conscious effort
3:56
that that wasn't the route
3:57
that we wanted our family
3:58
to be formed through.
4:00
And so when we heard about you,
4:06
I knew immediately that you were my son.
4:09
Like I knew.
4:10
I know that people laugh
4:13
when people say, Well,
4:14
I know that God told me something.
4:16
And I've never heard
4:17
the audible voice of God ever say Melissa
4:20
or anything like that to me.
4:22
But if there was ever a time
4:23
that was probably the closest
4:25
to an audible voice,
4:27
it was probably then.
4:29
And I just knew... that I knew that
4:31
I knew that
4:31
I knew that you are my son.
4:33
Before I ever laid eyes on you,
4:35
I knew that
4:37
on the way to the hospital,
4:38
the day we brought you home and
4:41
the whole year
4:42
that it took to get through that-
4:44
that year
4:44
and ten days that it took
4:45
to get through that process.
4:47
And I adopted you because I love you.
4:49
You completed our family
4:52
the first time
4:52
your sister completed it
4:53
and put the period
4:54
at the end of the sentence
4:55
the second time.
4:56
But you brought a completion to us that
5:00
we never knew before.
5:02
You have anything you want to
5:03
get off your chest?
5:05
Not really.
5:06
You said everything
5:07
you needed to say, that you feel,
5:08
that you feel like
5:09
you have never been able to express
5:13
to whoever?
5:15
Your biological mom, your father...
5:17
I meant to ask you about that.
5:18
What? - Your biological mom
5:20
and your biological father like.
5:22
How do you feel about that?
5:23
Like, now you're adult.
5:26
How do you feel about...?
5:27
I want to go to like see them
5:30
maybe like live
5:31
with them for a little bit
5:32
or just to like, go out there.
5:34
See how it's like
5:35
to be with them
5:36
instead of like-
5:37
You kow what I mean? - Yeah.
5:39
Just to get away, I guess you could
5:42
say, um, my dad.
5:45
I want to meet him,
5:46
but I don't think he wants to.
5:48
Why do you say that?
5:49
Because he hasn't been here.
5:52
He. We've only talked on the phone.
5:54
Like what? Like four or five times
5:56
Besides that...
5:59
Why do you think that is?
6:01
I don't know.
6:01
I'm about to cry. - Yeah, I know.
6:04
Yeah.
6:06
You thinking-
6:07
Do you think your biological father
6:10
doesn't love you?
6:12
Yeah.
6:13
Yeah.
6:15
I don't think that's it.
6:17
I spoke with him.
6:20
He's on drugs.
6:22
I don't know if you know that.
6:23
You know that?
6:24
And sometimes when people are on drugs,
6:27
they're not their selves.
6:30
Like, if you're dealing with someone
6:31
that's on drugs,
6:32
that's not the person
6:32
that raised you or whatever.
6:34
That's a whole different person.
6:35
So you can't deal with that person as if,
6:37
Oh, that's Trevor.
6:38
No, that's Trevor on drugs.
6:39
You can't deal- you understand what I'm saying?
6:41
- Yeah. - He loves you,
6:46
he has issues.
6:49
Don't ever think that your mom
6:51
or your biological mother or father
6:53
do not love you. They do.
6:55
I've spoken with him.
6:56
I went out there
6:59
trying to see him.
7:01
But, you know, I told you about this.
7:02
I guess that's his wife or whoever.
7:06
He needs to get himself together.
7:09
And they have missed out on something so
7:13
perfect.
7:15
Um.
7:16
What is one topic
7:17
you are hesitant to talk to me
7:19
about and why?
7:21
Oh Boy. - I love this question.
7:23
I know you love that question.
7:25
Of course.
7:26
Well, we both know the answer to that.
7:29
The fact that I was adopted
7:32
and not only was I hesitant,
7:35
you didn't know it.
7:36
I didn't tell any of you
7:41
anything about it.
7:42
And the reason that I was so hesitant
7:46
and didn't want to do it was
7:49
because I thought you would feel
7:53
like you didn't have any family.
7:55
Because I know
7:56
nothing about my birth family.
7:58
And... - Well, you don't know very much.
8:01
I know, yes, a very small amount
8:04
and I have chosen not to pursue
8:07
finding out more because I'm
8:11
I just feel very blessed by the family
8:14
that adopted me
8:15
and the community that embraced me.
8:18
And I've always felt like
8:22
it was disrespectful to them.
8:24
And I didn't feel like
8:25
anything was missing.
8:26
I felt like I had hit the jackpot.
8:29
I had a wonderful family.
8:31
A mom and a dad and a grandparent.
8:34
And aunts and uncles and cousins.
8:37
And a wonderful community
8:40
that I grew up in.
8:41
And I just felt
8:43
no need to look for
8:46
people who created me because
8:50
whatever their circumstances were,
8:52
they weren't able to to become parents
8:55
for me.
8:56
They couldn't do it.
8:58
They had made a decision.
9:00
And I always felt
9:01
like they were in the position
9:03
that if they wanted to find me,
9:05
they could have and they did not.
9:08
So why am I going to go
9:11
try and find them?
9:13
I was adopted at 21 days old,
9:17
as far as I'm concerned.
9:19
They
9:21
really you know, they did the best
9:23
they could do at the time.
9:25
And my life began at 21 days,
9:28
as far as I'm concerned.
9:31
What are you hesitant to tell me?
9:33
It should begin-
9:34
Oh, dang.
9:39
Um.
9:43
I don't want to cry.
9:44
What do you mean? - It's like the adoption.
9:46
Like,
9:47
I know that me
9:48
and you have different
9:49
points of view on it, but like adoption.
9:52
I don't like.
9:53
I don't like talking about it
9:54
because I know you like
9:55
you like getting into it
9:56
and like talking about it.
9:58
I don't like talking about it or
9:59
believing it
10:00
because outside the family is like bad
10:02
and like
10:03
even though like me
10:04
and you know that we're good kids,
10:06
like when we would go around
10:08
that side of the family,
10:09
they think like we have,
10:09
like a bad reputation.
10:11
Yeah.
10:11
And I don't like how people start, like.
10:15
Like assuming that we're bad kids
10:17
just because we came
10:18
from a certain person
10:19
and that certain person
10:20
lived a certain way.
10:21
Yeah. They base it off of that. - Yeah.
10:23
Like if we were raised by her
10:25
or if we were raised by him,
10:27
I don't like thinking
10:28
that we were raised by them.
10:29
I like thinking we were raised by a mom and dad.
10:31
People should
10:32
honestly just look at me
10:33
and you like how we are.
10:35
They shouldn't be like, Oh, oh, this.
10:36
They came from this person.
10:38
They came from that person. Look at how their parents turned out.
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